Dudes Like Pizza - a Dude Hypothesis by Ian Downey

One phenomenon requires special attention. This is, as yet, only a hypothesis, and requires more scientific study before it can be enshrined as Dude Theory, let alone fully established Dude Fact. But preliminary tests seem to point overwhelmingly in favor of the following conclusion: Dudes like pizza.

It may be vegan, cheeseless pizza. It may be homemade, delivered, or eaten by the slice at a pizzeria. It could be fancy gourmet pizza, but more likely it is just plain, cheap pizza. In any case, the fact remains: Dudes like pizza.

Generally speaking, consuming too much of a substance or engaging in too much of an activity may render a dude into a zombie, at which point she or he will no longer be a real dude. But strangely, this is not the case for pizza. Not only does consuming pizza not endanger dudosity, but, mysteriously enough, dudosity seems only to increase with every pizza eaten.
This goes way beyond “trends”. It is not trendy for dudes to like pizza, any more than it is trendy to breathe oxygen or metabolize protein. Dudes of all types seem to like pizza, regardless of their position in various dude subcultures. Pizza appreciation seems to occur at a sub-cortical, pre-trend area of the brain, which leads me to the hypothesis that, quite independently of nutrition (eating dough, tomato sauce, cheese in any other combination really isn’t the same and has nothing to do with dudosity), pizza seems to be, in some way that is not as yet understood, some kind of mysterious dude-fuel.
The origins of pizza are obscure: originally a folk-food from Sicily, it was a “pie” often used as a format for serving left-overs, in a manner that barely resembles modern pizza. Pizza as we know it, in its fully dudic form, seems to have first appeared in America and quickly became a very separate entity from the Italian folk-food from which it sprang. Nowadays, it has become a food totally independent of all nationality and ethnicity, the universal diet of dudes throughout the world.
Perhaps this arrangement of cheese, catalyzed by the correct proportion of tomato sauce and stabilized by an underlying dough-process, triggers some kind of neurological firing pattern that spontaneously causes humans to become more dude-like, more capable of independent thinking. In any case, I hypothesize a hidden variable, call it p, that represents the ratio between pizza-consumption and dudosity. Thus:

D = p(C),

Where D represents dudosity and C represents weekly pizza consumption. If you notice a dude’s pizza consumption is declining, she or he may be reaching dangerously low levels of dudosity, and may soon transform into a piece of folk, a zombie, or, (heaven forbid) a dick. If this happens, have a heart: immediately share some pizza with your dude. Just one pizza can save your dude, yourself, and all of us.